Friday, September 10, 2010
Sex and Death - A Serious Post
Longer post, and pretty serious, but I've been wanting to write some of these things for a while on here, and now seems like a good time as it is pertinent to the dialogue I currently have going.
First I wish to lift myself up some. When writing this blog I generally just write and post. All off the cuff. Even my credo was off the cuff. When I said I had been thinking about it that’s all I meant. One time I began thinking of what I would put into it, and by the time I got to the fourth idea of what I had no use for in a religion I had forgot the first one so I stopped. Took all of 20 minutes to write my credo. Even this post is off the cuff. I pride myself in that and am grateful for the people who think I spend more time on my posts. To me that says they must be at least slightly impressive. Moving on and away from my pride.
I went to the LGBT group again at BYU and I stayed for the whole thing this time. It was again very good. Me and St Pickle would eye each other some times, cause the group tries to be positive about the church, and we didn’t think we should make some comments and look at each other as if to say ‘you thinking the same thing? Don’t say it out loud.” Plus one of my blog fans, Hermit, showed up, and Hermit is a girl! Yay! I love girls. Will get to meet Heretic next week too. I’m just a stud of a blogger. (disclaimer – uh, no I am not, though I am mediocreally attractive in the very least).
But the meeting was good. Though Elder Oaks likens homosexuality to being prone to being angry, using words such as susceptibility and inclined. Which, in my mind, demonizes homosexuality while also making it sound like it is similar to being an angry person. One of the professors who was there will be giving a presentation on the genetic link to homosexuality on September 23rd in the MARB. Maybe some people will find that interesting, I’m not sure if I’ll go or not. But it was nice to meet Hermit, and to meet Cary who wrote the legendary BYU article that ‘disappeared’ because it was ‘offensive.’ Ha.
Okay, so after this I will probably do a full post replying to the aptly named 9-page rebuke. But I want to further clarify my 'mom in the household position' because I think some recent events have influenced my thinking. This will make it easier for people who know who I am in real life to connect me to my blog. Shame on you if you do so for evil reasons, cause what I’m about to say is pretty personal, and sad, lol.
So, my relationship with my parents has improved a lot in recent years, and is better now than ever before, at least in my mind. But my dad was diagnosed with dementia this last spring. Had little effect on my atheism, but if there was a God I’d certainly have reason to be angry with Him (Mormon god in this case). However, my dad is only about 60 so most likely it is a mix of genetics and diet that caused this. Being young, he will most likely deteriorate quickly and die within the next few years. Now, I can say this quite coolly, but honestly this tears me apart. If at any point in my life so far that I wanted there to be a god it would be now, for my dad. My mind still follows the fallacy of connecting an afterlife to the existence of a god. Maybe some part of us does continue and there is no god that guides the process. But the idea of a god gives more hope to the idea of an afterlife. In the end this doesn’t matter though, I do not believe in a god, and I don’t believe in an afterlife. But I’ll talk about neuroscience and an afterlife at some other point.
Having my dad being diagnosed means it has set in, and going home this last month I can say that I see a difference with him from a year ago. What was senility a year ago now has become a mind-rotting disease, a vacuum of the mind, and disintegration of his personality. My father is disappearing before me, a hollow shell, a corpse, being left behind, one that won’t even know how to use a doorknob by the end.
This has led me to think about many things, but one is important here for this post – grandchildren. Note that I don’t think children, but grandchildren. My brother won’t be having children any time soon, not that he plans on. And he doesn’t like being asked about it. When I was home I was asked once, but being ‘single’ most people don’t even bother with me. However, as bothered as I am at the thought of being asked, mostly defensive I guess, I am thinking about it. See, I’ve always wanted children, just later in life. On my mission I had a switch and realized that children are okay, though some things will always bother me. Getting back from my mission I desperately wanted to move on from my relationship with my ex, let’s call her ‘Auds’ for future references. Having become non-religious sex and marriage are now truly separated in my mind, so marriage took a back-seat for the last couple years.
But with my dad being diagnosed, I’m not so sure anymore on this. Do I want a parting gift to my father to be a grandchild, one that he will recognize as his grandchild before he begins to lose the ability to recognize me? Do I want to move settling down and children forward from being 30 to hopefully within the next 3 years? Even though, in my mind, I can now have all the sex I personally want and not feel guilty (though shame and remorse are still welcome) am I at a point where I am actually wanting a marriage and family? Some people think they want sex when what they truly yearn for is love, am I one of those people? Too many questions.
And now to the point: if kids are really that important, is being a stay-at-home parent such a big deal? Really, is it? Why is there such a ‘to do’ about stay at home parenting? I know of a lot of parents, in and outside of the LDS church, who think that their kids are the most important things in their lives. Having never been a parent I am unsure where I stand, or rather, where I will stand. Because right now I think I know. I think of myself as a romantic, but all that means is that I find it easy to love someone, though most girls don’t love me so easily back. Luckily I have a good track record, two smooth releases, and one harsh(traumatic actually, no exaggeration) breakup from the girl’s side and not because of anything I particularly did. So that gives me hope. But really, being a romantic means I just value the relationship more than anything else. I first and foremost think of myself as a boyfriend and husband, due to the amount of value I put into my romantic relationships. Career and family come later.
This post is as much a therapeutic release as it is questioning the idea of stay-at-home mothers or fathers. I went out to explain how I got to my view and why there is some conflict, honestly I am undecided about a lot of things. I use to think I would only marry a career woman, but in the last few months I’ve been looking at things differently, more transiently I guess. I think I want a woman who likes to think and study and learn, someone I could talk to about a lot of things. But does she need to be a career woman? That dream is fading from my reality.
(note: I normally accept pity messages, but when concerned with my dad I don't want any. I definitely do not want to hear about heaven if I have any religious lurkers. If you absolutely feel you need to tell me how sorry you feel for me, then only do it if you truly mean it. If you have no idea what to say then don't bother.)