Wednesday, January 26, 2011
"Sassy Gay Penguins!!!"
Ok, so finally I am getting around to representing the rights of our neighbors and distant cousins, the gay penguins. However, first, I have a disclaimer:
For anyone who listens to Irreligiosophy they talk about the gay penguins several times, and most of these stories are the same ones they talk about. But we have to support the gay penguins and spread the message. They are just too damn cute to do otherwise!
So my first introduction to this obscene crime against animals was the cute couple from Polar Land in the city of Harbin in ''northern'' China. Since it's in the north it must be cold enough for them. And this is all besides the fact that they are probably from Antarctica and have been relocated due to the melting ice shelves. So this beautiful couple hooks up and sooner or later finds out they can't make babies. Very depressing for them. In fact, the zoo keepers were given some refugees from North Korea to do some tests in relation to solving the depression in gay penguins. This, of course, was all thanks to Kim John-Il and his love for the gays.
However, an interesting turn of events took place. The penguins, like about a third of depressed Americans just happened to pop out of their lowly downs and took action to make themselves happy. And they did this in the most cunning way possible.
With no means of fertilizing an egg and growing baby penguins in a test tube, they decided to steal the eggs of other couples! And to make sure no one would notice, they replaced the eggs with rocks! Pure genius! Unfortunately, the zookeepers and parent penguins did notice and then the penguins were harassed by their own clan, so much so, that the zookeepers had to segregate the gay couple from the rest of their kind. Think Japanese in America during WWII.
The only benefit from the separate but equal clause put in place in the zoo was that, in Chuck's own words from Irreligiosophy, the white picket fence used to separate them was damn fine. It seemed that the couple was doomed to die in seclusion with a white picket fence as their Berlin Wall ... with no children!
But the Humans For the Rights and Equality of Gay Penguins came to the rescue! The leader announced, 'It wasn't fair to stop them becoming parents and keep them apart from all the other birds just because of the way nature has made them." The leader, a large red-headed woman from Vermont just happened to be visiting China to help reverse the amount of gay sex pandas have been having which has almost led to their extinction since the males no longer have a drive to mate with females.
The Chinese zoo eventually gave eggs to the gay couple from a couple which was contemplating abortion. The zoo keeper, Ching Ton, said, "They've turned out to be the best parents in the whole zoo!" And it just so happened that the gay couple has been awarded the Best Parent Award for the whole eastern hemisphere. The runner-up couple was an Indian couple near the Ganges but when the award presenters tried to locate them they found 6,745 other couples with the exact same names and decided to not waste time trying to find them.
In other regions of the world gay penguin equality is under attack! These gay penguins are at the Bremerhaven Zoo, in Germany, also in the 'northern' part, which is good cause if the Gulf Stream stops then Germany will freeze over allowing these penguins to roam free. A hetero couple attempted to throw away their baby so zoo keepers gave the egg to the gay couple who raised it as their own, also proving how wonderful gay parents are. Once hatched homophobic zoo keepers tried to steal the baby to give to a Mormon couple in another zoo! But the fathers took turns guarding their child day and night at the entrance to their cave-home.
Also in Germany, Nazi-sympathizing zoo keepers contacted the Swedish Penguin Alliance and paid for several beautiful, sexy, escort Swedish penguins to be flown in and seduce the gay ones! However, all 6 gay penguins remained loyal to their lovers and not one gave in to the lushy-eyed vixens from Sweden. It seems that men are not as likely to cheat as all feminists believe.
In America a couple was outed after being together for 8 years and no one knew they were both male. This happened in a New York zoo, showing that the zoo keepers here are most likely not molesting the animals. However the homophobia in America is still present and a children's book about gay penguins and adoption and family love and acceptance is being labeled as Satan's work, heretical, and some Christian sects have put it on their 'burn list' when it comes time to copy the art of book burning like Hitler's Germany. The gay penguin book shared the list of burn books with works that include sodomy of 12-y-o boys, racism and lynching, sex before marriage, a book explaining the female orgasm, and Lolita which many older men consider to be a work of art.
Our poor gay friends are under attack! Please help support Gay Penguin Equality and may all our dead gods bless you. Bippity boppity boo.
Gay Penguins Steal Eggs!
Gay Penguins Sequestered!
Gay Penguins Protect Young!
Anti-Hate Books in America!