Monday, November 15, 2010

Plans and Pasts

I've decided I will write an exit story. Or rather, I will write my exit story. I've thought about doing one, but never wanted to spend the time and I didn't want to follow the flow. I'm rebellious. But now since I'm less bitter and more focused on focusing why I think the way I do I want to study myself, and what better way than to write my exit story.

It will probably be typical in the end. I'll write it up elsewhere, and then I'll post it in parts. It should help me to look back and find secular and atheistic influences in my past, what I did that was against the church, and to figure out my personality some.

See, I do find myself to be rebellious. I also am open to change, very much so, but I think I like to take it slow. I am an emotional guy, in the sense of following my emotions. I disagreed with Mormonism and many faiths growing up and on my mission, because they didn't sit right with me. One of my best friends growing up came out as gay and that really changed my thinking on some things. I was already into 'psychology' by late high school so I was studying into genetics and human psychology a decent amount. I realized that gays probably didn't choose to be that way most of the time (some do though! so they say.) I also didn't get why Mormonism, or God, hated them so much. It didn't make sense. I knew there was a lot of homosexual behavior in animals (especially those proud sassy gay penguins) and that genetics and physical makeup has an influence on personality and emotions. I also knew that people of the same gender could love each other. Me and another friend had a deep connection during high school, completely platonic lol, but I realized how similar the trust and bond was to some aspects of romantic love I had with ... two girls by then. I understood that a couple more steps and it could very well be a homosexual love, so I get where love isn't determined by gender or looks, those only play parts.

Long story short, religion in a lot of ways held me back from acting how I wanted to act. I believed in universal love, I still believe in forgiveness. I strongly believe in tolerance and acceptance. People are people, and people are weak. I enjoy the freedom of not having an ethical organization being a part of my life, such as Mormonism. I get to act how I want, and test it out for myself. One of those things is accepting and loving homosexuals, and allowing them to express their love for each other, especially through marriage if that is what they want. And they should. We didn't redefine freedom when slaves were freed, we shouldn't redefine marriage if homosexuals wish to be married.

I'm ranting a bit here, and rambling. The point is, I think one of the reasons I left religion, one of the main reasons, was to act how I want to act. I don't like being told what to do to be happy. I can figure that out on my own thanks. And I don't think I'm completely unique in that regard. I lost faith in God or gods, and because of that I don't practice a belief in one. But religion as an institution is separate for me, and it too doesn't work. Neither one works for me, and so I've found contentment and joy in my new style of life.

I'll write my story soon. Maybe this week, hopefully, and I'll post it intermittently amongst other posts. Thanks.

Afterthought - I wish to explain something a little more. I said religion doesn't work for me, and that's the truth. But it can work for others. I think people's actions do speak more than words, or in this case thoughts. If a person believes in God I don't see how that matters much to me in the end. If they hate gays because their God says to, then I have a problem with both their institution, thoughts, and God. But changing the God may be better than getting rid of it for some people. However, this still is one reason why I dislike any similarities to totalitarian cultures and ideologies. If God was removed things could be different. But then some people wouldn't work well in life. I bring up more questions to myself than answers I think.

1 comment:

  1. It makes me laugh that you complain about me 'always' (interpretation = occasionally) doing the opposite of what you ask me to do. Couldn't that be described as being rebellious? And aren't you describing yourself as rebellious?

    So maybe we're just cut from the same cloth there...