Friday, December 9, 2011

How the Church Will Collapse

Seriously. This is legit. It's just a theory, with a small 't', but this is COMPLETELY PLAUSIBLE. Completely!There's plenty of ways that the Church could end, cease to exist, collapse, lose its members, but this could be how it could play out.

So, we all know that Monson is getting quite mature in years. And that Packer is second in line to receive that great great mantle. And he could totally get it! Completely plausible! Just, some things would need to happen. In fact, really, the church could collapse this next year. Really! It could! It all comes down to timing!

So, let's say the rumors about Monson are true and that he's growing senile. Just completely senile, but unlike Ezra Taft Bensen, all the other apostles won't hide him away in some hospital or home and keep him out of the view of the public. No, instead he stays in the public eye and come April he's right up front for General Conference. And Monson gets up there and just totally fucks it all up. He starts going off about random stories, doesn't follow his prompter, he's telling crude jokes with innuendos from his early teens, just completely off the deep end! After this he is rushed off to live out the rest of his days under house arrest and then dies at the end of September.

Just in time for Packer to become President cause Packer, this whole time, has been clinging to life, one hateful breath after the last. Just sitting in his chair telling himself, "I'm not gonna fuckin die! I have too much to say, I'm going to use all of this hate inside me to just cling to life and live unnaturally long due to all this pent-up hate and bigoted emotions I have!" And of course the revelations just start rolling forth. The bullshit is just spewing out from his mouth. Cause no one, NO ONE, has had the balls in the last 120 years to ever speak the words "the Lord has told me...!" but Packer would. And he would! We'd have new revelations, he'd be up there sayin, "God told me that this Church...." and it would just be in time for the October General Conference.

And he would speak at every session. Every session! Saturday morning he would remind us of his revelations, the afternoon he would talk about blacks and fence-sitters. During priesthood he would start off talking about masturbation and little factories which would quickly shift to how masturbation leads to being gay and start bashing gays. And every talk would be at LEAST 30 minutes, at least. During the women's meeting he would talk about women's rightful place in the Church, and then remind us again on Sunday and bash feminists before taking the entire Sunday afternoon session to bash the gays as if he really needed to make up for his namesake and truly try to prove that he's not a 'homophobe' who's simply projecting. And that would be Gen Conf of OCT 2012.

Then he'd die a week later. Completely plausible! All these things could happen, it's just a matter of timing.

And that would be it! It would be done! Members would be like, "wow, Gen Conf has been weird this year, it's just not the same, the church isn't true, these men aren't prophets, boy April was weird with Monson but now Packer going all bat-shit crazy in October and then dieing after being president for 2 weeks?" That would be it, the church would get 2 million resignation letters before the end of the month and poor Perry would die from heartbreak, the prophets dropping like flies.

Then the schisms would occur. We'd have the Bednarites going to Idaho. Uchtdorf would take half the women and all the gays and form his own sect, admitting to having had a brief same-gender relation with Packer. Nelson would control the main part of the church, now being the corporation president while the Presiding Bishop took the second corporation of the church and dubbed it The Corporation of the Presiding Bishopric of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. They'd start warring with each other and some breakoff would fly a plane into the conference center which would contain all the current 20,000 membership of the original Church, killing thousands and wiping out all the hierarchy down to the president of the 3rd Quorum of the 70, who would be some black guy from Africa who would become the president of the church in a dry sense of irony.

Completely plausible, totally could happen. Maybe not all of it, maybe I take some liberties, but if this happened I think I'd believe in a god. At least some kind of god, like Vishnu or Poseidon or John Frum, cause only a god could orchestrate the collapse of the church to occur in 2012 in such a spectacular way. I mean, to keep all the right men alive at the right time and to make sure they died at the precise moment, that would be a work of art! Only a god could do that.

Anyways, I'm sure this won't be how the Church collapses, but if I'm right, remember I'm the one who said it!



  1. Are there really reports that Monson is going senile? What are your sources??? Or is this entire thing just a huge spoof?

  2. Only the rumors, which are not substantiated at all. The funny thing is that some of these things COULD happen, lol.

  3. Uchtdorf would take half the women and all the gays and form his own sect, admitting to having had a brief same-gender relation with Packer.

    *snort* Excellent!

  4. Someone in a facebook group I'm in just posted the following: "I believe I heard someone in this group mention that Pres. Monson is getting senile. My friend's mom just told me that a few weeks ago in his home ward in Holladay he spoke and spoke and spoke and was rambling about everything, bouncing from topic to topic, from not beating your wives to telling stories about how he still feeds his chickens (which she said haven't been there for years now). When he finally finished, she got up to say the closing prayer and he got up again in front of her and started rambling again, and no one knew what to do. Said the whole congregation was staring wide-eyed. She thinks he's had a stroke or something."